Now, that you lay in front of me… so peaceful, like an angel… I can say everything I wanted to say to you and I just couldn’t have the nerve to say. I couldn’t have the nerve to look to your eyes and tell you “I should’ve listened to you from the start”.
Now that you lay in front of me I realize that you are the only man who really cared. I was twenty two back then, but I thought I knew better. I thought all men were like you. I thought he would take care of me and treat me right, but I was wrong.
I left everything and I followed him only to discover the beginning of my misery. You used to tell me that a person who deserves my tears wouldn’t make me cry, but I cried every morning for the past 20 years. I cry when there’s no one around and I cry whenever I look at the mirror. I cry for how stupid I was when I was young and how little I knew about life.
Why did you spoil me this much when I was still a toddler? Why did you make life seem so easy when it is actually so bitter?
We went through a lot of financial and emotional problems (I never mentioned anything to you whenever you called, I always knew what you would do), but I never cared. I thought my presence near him would be enough. I thought that a kiss from my lips would wipe his tears off and lift up his soul (like when I used to hug you when you were sad).
Did I say tears – I wish he cries when he’s mad. Instead he just loses all his temper on me, because I can simply take it, because I am his wife, because I’ve tolerated this for so long, because he knows I’ll never leave.
The more I live the more I realize that most women share my story (I just wished I would be lucky). We all fell in love when we were young; they all sang us music to our ears. We all forgot our dreams once we were mothers, and instead we thought we would assist them with theirs.
But, they never listened and they won’t listen.
He never understood that I just wanted what was best for him, for us. What would I know? I am just an inexperienced housewife to him. My ideas are so shallow.
But I have to admit, he would ask me sometimes for my feedback, just to put me down in disgrace, making me feel like a useless cloth, for knowing so little; for answering so plain.
Look at my vocabs. Cloth? I even pity myself. You wanted me to be a doctor, and here I am giving you a useless cloth as an example.
I just hope I listened to you back then, when you told me to wait. But, he was different back then, he really wanted me back. He really loved me I guess, I thought he was worth the lack.
Now, he wants all these younger girls with good hips, wearing short dresses and walking on their fingertips.
I gave up convincing him that I am the only one who really cares, that I am the only one who will always be there. I gave up persuading him to follow his dream, because I know it’s never too late. I have simply given up on making him love me again and grasp the fact that he is truly my priority and my everything. And, worse of all, I’m tired and I’ve given up of pleading him to tell my kids to talk to me with respect.
Dad, I am sorry. I am sorry for every time I defended him. I am sorry for cursing you when you knew what was best for me. I’m looking at you, hoping you could hear me, hoping you could hug me for one last time – to wipe the tears off my cheeks, to lift up my core.
You can also check : I Died Today: A Letter from A Lebanese Martyr