You Were My Home: A Message from Her

They say there is no such thing as true love. It does not exist. Love is just a thought, a non-existant dream. People get married to the person they are in love with, and then soon, the relationship turns out to be some kind of an investment, a contribution to society. Parents become partners and soon turn into life-long friends; best friends if they were lucky. Some realize reality and divorce, some just live with it, some get so caught up that they don’t even notice it.

But what if I feel I will – if ever – marry the wrong person, cause the only person I loved was you?

It’s hard to say it out loud. But I searched for you in every person I thought I liked or loved. I searched for you in people who knew you, and I told people who didn’t know you about you. It’s as if you’re a part of me, that never left – even though you’re far gone. That rush that my heart would feel just by mentioning your name or knowing about you is unreal. It doesn’t make sense. Why you? Why didn’t I know that it was bigger than me? I somehow did, but I wanted to outsmart my feelings, but now I am living with a broken heart.

Living like this is logically heart breaking. I try to believe you are not the reason of my misery, but you are. Nothing makes sense without you. I thought you made me weak, what I didn’t know is: loving you made me strong. I was strong because of you. Maybe I wasn’t, perhaps I was strong before you too. What I know is you broke me, and my heart still fights for you to this day.

I don’t know how to convince him to love again. I’m so scared to be alone. It horrifies me, and that explains all the relationships I was in. I felt trapped in each and every one of them. Being with any guy was a step farther away from you. I was never happy, even though they tried twice as much as you did, I could never give in – not to anyone else but you.

I can’t love myself either, for losing you. Maybe that sounds exaggerated, but it’s true. I’m not trying to flatter you. We both know what we had was bigger, you can’t convince me you have it with her.

Who is she?
I want to believe that you’re just like me: you’re convincing yourself you love her but you love me, but I can’t. I want to believe that we still have a spiritual connection, but I simply don’t anymore. And it hurts..

I know this sounds like just another desperate letter, maybe it is. Maybe I am desperate. I should congratulate you. We always thought I was the strong cold-hearted one.

I can’t play the victim because we both ruined each other, a love so strong can’t simply end without chaos. I can’t blame you without blaming myself.

I ask myself, if we went back in time; would I lay my eyes on you and let myself fall in love with you like I did? Or would I look away? Would I leave my everything to be with you like I did? Or would you just be a happy thought in my system to keep, while living like the rest of them? Would I say out loud that you’re my soul mate? Or would I realize that I was your lesson when in fact you were my home?

You can also check I Should Have Listened: A Message From Your Daughter

You can Also check I Died Today : A Message from A Lebanese Martyr



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