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I DIED TODAY: A Message from A Lebanese Martyr

I DIED TODAY: A Message From A Lebanese Martyr

I died today, but I didn’t think I was in danger.
I passed by the church around the corner, went to the grocery store under my building, and I was going back up when I heard a huge explosion. I didn’t get what was going on, everything went grey, and I couldn’t feel my legs. The weight I was carrying completely disappeared, and I felt myself in a white space.
Then came my dear husband carrying my grocery bags. I couldn’t believe my eyes, my dear Samir is giving me a hand after 30 years of waiting for him to return from the Syrian prisons. They finally let go off my innocent husband! A sudden joy rushed through my veins as I caressed his cheeks, a feeling I haven’t felt for SO LONG!
Samir looked so handsome, so young, so happy to see me as well! Finally, we were joined again, lovers of the past.

But where did my building disappear? Why’s everything so white? I couldn’t get it. My body was so light. I haven’t been able to move so freely in such a long time!

That’s when it hit me: I am no longer alive. My handsome Samir wasn’t alive as well. All this hope I lived for has been for no use, they’ve killed him… He was already dead waiting for me to rejoin him in this white space, waiting to give me a hand with my grocery bags.
I was happy because I was with him again, after all this wait. But I wasn’t happy for what we lived.
My life was a hard one. I had 4 daughters, and 5 sons. I lost two of my daughters during the Lebanese civil war. In 1981, my husband was taken as a hostage because he was expressing his sorrow to our neighbor and blaming the powers for my daughters’ death; was that a crime? It never made sense to me.
My husband’s kidnap led all my sons to participate in the war, and fight for Lebanon. I pleaded that they don’t go. I begged them one by one. I didn’t want to lose them, too. I couldn’t lose them. But they didn’t listen, they didn’t care about risking their lives for their beloved country. They wanted to get their father back. They wanted to be free; they persisted to fight.
I guess this is not what only my sons did. This is what most of the youth did during the war. I understood that, being a citizen. But the mother in me could never digest it. My only children, the children I fed ever since day one, my vulnerable kids, my BABIES, joining the war…
WAR. What a selfish word; the word that destructed my home, the word that tormented my soul, and left me in despair.
One by one, they joined the war and one by one I lost them, my four baby boys. Yes, Habibi Rami made it. He was lucky. He was shot in the leg (that later got paralyzed) but he was alive. My other two daughters got married and traveled to Canada with their husbands scared from the situation. They wanted to take me with them, but I wanted to be here when my husband returns home.
Plus, I couldn’t leave Rami. He wanted to stay in Achrafieh, he wanted to prove to the powers that he will stay in Lebanon, that he will never give up. That’s what we did. That’s what we’ve been doing since 1992.
But life didn’t treat us right. All I had was my house, at Sassine’s Square. My husband lost all his money in the late 60s when Bank Intra went bankrupt. My two daughters sent me some money every now and then, but I could never ask for more, they have their own lives over there. They have a family. They needed the money more than a woman my age needed money. Rami changed a lot of jobs till he settled at an office in Fern El Chebbek, working as an accountant. But you know Lebanese salaries; I don’t want to get into details.
Public transportation is very messy in Beirut. Electricity and water is not so promising. But I could live with it. However, there was no healthcare, and I was getting older.
I soon realized that the country all my babies lost their lives for had no responsibility towards me, a mother of martyrs and a wife of a kidnapped innocent gorgeous man. My dear Rami did his best to take care of me, but he didn’t really have to, he deserved to be a bit happy in his life.
I wrote endless letters to the Ministry of Health, to the MPs, to journalists, and to anyone that I thought could assist me. They all described my case as a Cliché Lebanese family story and told me I should stop begging.
Begging? I lost 4 healthy boys and 2 lovely girls for a country. I got detached from the love of my life for a nation that labels me as a beggar and a Cliché Lebanese woman?
Ironically today, I realized that I am no longer a fighter but a martyr as well.
And as I promised, I stayed here. I stayed to welcome my husband back, exactly where he left me.
Ironically today, as I move freely between the Lebanese households I still see the youth hating. I see people pointing fingers. I see handsome gals wanting to risk their lives for yet another time. I see dirty minds preparing schemes to bomb, to kill, and to destroy.
Ironically today, I understand that all that blood that was shed by my kids and other young souls didn’t solve anything. It’s all the same… same as 1975. Same as 1989. Same as 2005 and what follows… and it’s all a shame.
Why don’t you get it? Why don’t you wake up? Why can’t you change the way you perceive things? You can make a change! Change Lebanon! Stop breaking the hearts of your parents and of your nation. The elections are soon. Think rationally. Think as a citizen. Love your parents. Cherish your lives. Do not let all those people who died for Lebanon regret that they did. Do not let the powers and the media brainwash you! You hold the power with your unity. The government is nothing without YOU.
Sadly, this will remain a cry from a mother who doesn’t know what she’s talking about because YOU KNOW BETTER; YOU KNOW POLITICS. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND AND FEEL ANYTHING. I am pathetic to you. I nag too much. I should only clean the house and cook you good meals.
As for Rami, I’m right next to you. We are all watching over you. I hope life treats you better than it treated us and you witness a better Lebanon.
When you get home from work you will find our house broken down in pieces. Be the boy I’ve always known you for. Be strong.

Your salary can get you a descent home close to your work, and hopefully the Lebanese government and your sisters will help. Now you do not have me as burden, you can spend your money as you please. I am sorry I brought you to a country such as Lebanon. I am sorry for all the troubles you’ve faced and you’re about to face. You will never cease to be my inspiration. I love you, Mum.

also found on : http://www.mayaakra.blogspot.com

lebanese anthem

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Adolethoughts

Somewhere along the way, everything collapsed
Everything I’ve ever learned,
Everything I’ve fought for
Everything I believed
It all changed,

As if they were lying to me,
As if all the books, philosophers, and religions spoke of the absurd

Is this what should happen?!
Should I come to this realization?
Or is it a sin?

Somewhere along the way, I lost my self

I became the person they warned me of
The person I never felt I’ll become

Is it normal?
Is it how life is?

You research the consequences of things,
You formulate convictions and beliefs,
You create your personality

Then when ‘you’re out there’,
You forget what your parents and teachers have taught you, and what you read
You contradict your own rules of conduct,
Your own morals and values

You look at yourself in the mirror, and directly look away
Or try to put on some makeup
To change the way you look
To cover up all the insecurities and disbelief
Of the monster staring back at you
Trying to possess your presence

You cover your eyes and open them again
Only to see a reflection
Of what you were like
5 years ago
When you were still a child, a kid, a student, and a believer*
*not a belieber 😉

You realize that
Somewhere along the way, someone or something took your soul from you and played dice
Somewhere along the way, you sold your soul

And never thought twice

But now, you don’t want it… but demand it back…
Not your innocence but your values,
Not your ignorance but your experience,
Not your fear but your vigilance,
Not your selfishness but your arrogance

It’s just a phase,
The one who doesn’t pass through it
Should envy the one who has
For he will be forever enlightened and wise
To never get back there,
To share his scrutiny
And to push the ones stuck in it for a brighter life

M.

Cynical Much?!

To many, I am young. To many, I do not have the experience to share my so-called-knowledge.
But to me, nineteen years are enough to grasp a bit of knowledge.

After my so-called experience with our creature, I have come to a conclusion about us human beings.

We are simply a disappointment, maybe not to humanity as a whole or to history in the future, but to other human beings living with us, on the same planet.

A lot of parents are disappointments to their children. Children tend to accuse their parents of their mistakes. If their parents did not give them all they needed, they’d complain about them not giving them enough. If their parents provided everything to them, they’d complain how their parents spoiled them, how they got more than enough, how their parents did not push them into being hard workers. If their parents weren’t present emotionally, they’d blame them for that. The same applies if they weren’t so present financially. If the children did not enhance their gifts and tendencies, their parents are to be blamed again because of their lack of motivation.

As for the parents (in most cases, no severe cases being mentioned), all they want and care is for their children; their safety, their happiness, their well-being, their education, their success… each parent sees those qualities in their own way… money is one way, being strict is another way, being a very nice and cool parent is a third tactic …ect…

That is one thing most children do not know. They just see the gaps, and point fingers.

On the other hand, children are mostly disappointments to their parents. Not being so successful, being successful and busy to actually be around when they get elderly, being there only financially, failing, acting rude, committing suicide, deviating, taking drugs, dating or marrying the wrong person in their opinion……are all disappointments to parents.

To the children, they are just experiencing life, the way their parents did. They are making their own mistakes, going through their own ups and downs, bearing their own consequences…

Teachers are disappointments to students. Students think of their teacher as a flawless person who teaches beneficial things. However a teacher is a human being, and he does mistakes. When a student hears about a mistake the teacher did, he’d awe, and get disappointment of his imperfection. The whole “teacher idea” will collapse. He’ll soon understand that a teacher is just a person getting paid, it’s a job, he’s not God’s messenger.

Students are disappointments to teachers. A failing student is a disappointment. A good student failing in life is another disappointment. A student becoming successful, and not being grateful for his teacher is a third disappointment.

Love is a disappointment. When our loved one cheats on us, we are disappointed. When he leaves, gets over us quickly, breaks our hearts, does the simplest things that annoy us or mismatch our own personality and values, we get disappointed. Wow, so he is not Mr. or Mrs. Perfect after all! – To us.

Friends are disappointments. When u know a friend that u have befriended for a long time is in love with u and he/she is just looking for that with u, you get disappointed. When he/she stops talking to you when he/she knows you’re not interested, you get MORE disappointed. When your friend ditches you for her/his new circle of friends, when you notice that he/she was using you just because you have a nice car or because your friends are cool, when your friend badmouths you and talks behind your back, when he or she betrays your trust and spreads your secrets, when he ignores you in front of others, you get disappointed.

Fact is, a person might fall for you, you should be happy, you are a lovable person. He might stop talking to you, to get over his love. When your friend ditches you, he is just so caught up and excited about her new life. If you try constantly to recap your friendship, you might still grasp little intimate moments with him. When a friend uses you, be glad, you now know people’s intentions, but hey after all, maybe you’d do the same if you were them! When a person talks behind your back, mostly, there is a cause for his actions.

Relatives are disappointments. When in times of grief and sadness or extreme happiness and ecstasy (of a new baby born for example), family members not being around is atrocious. When relatives favor money and possessions over brotherly love and blood, things get really awful.

Still, we live in a very busy world, most of us are so caught up in their world, they have little time to think of other people, and since money is what makes the world go round, it also controls people and their love.

We are God’s disappointment. If Adam and Eve existed, they were God’s first disappointment. All the wars, the atrocities, the greed, and the evil are disappointments to our creator.

Even if disappointments are explained and verified, they are still disappointments after all.
I sound pessimistic I know, but to see lovers still in love with no regrets nor grudges, parents so proud of their children, children so grateful in every way to their parents, best friends remaining really forever, and peace prevailed on earth is really a very extremely rare thing.

also found on M’s Blog : http://mayaakra8.blogspot.com/

tipsylosophy

I am drunk more like tipsy – to a certain degree that I am able to write in – so excuse my philosophy.

Life is just like the jungle; the strongest are those who survive. To “survive” in this world and to really become someone you’d be proud of, you got to be strong.
I pity those parents who think that if they don’t let their kids OUT TO THE WORLD, they’d protect them. You will never learn to be strong and to “survive” if u doesn’t get exposed to all types of people. Never think that anyone is not worth your time, everyone is experience, and even the “wozz” in your street is a lesson for you to not end up like him. Those security guards in your university are an example for you to finish your education and be a respectable individual late on in life. An ant in your living room carrying a Cereal from your leftovers is a lesson for you to be a hard worker to survive life – vodka much?! LOL.

Liar is the one that tells you money is nothing. Money makes the world go round, so aim of having enough money for your disposable income. No matter what, we live in a materialistic world, and money facilitates everything. Don’t be a fool, and don’t live in ideals, those who lived in “their own definition of life” ate shit.
Most people consider people that are kind-hearted as fools, so even if you were kind-hearted, do not show it. Show it to those who really appreciate it, and be a cold heart with those who consider nice people stupid. Oh, and do not underestimate people, most of the people you think are so stupid, are actually smarter than you but aren’t revealing to you their true level of intelligence because they think you’re too stupid for them to reveal their true identity. No one is stupid except people with some issues 😎

I am not telling you to be fake – ew. I am just telling you not to “unfold all your cards” once a person meets you, always keep certain thoughts to yourself and count till ten before saying anything out loud, weigh the pros and the cons before blurting anything that might backfire you, except if you want it to. Be selective with the people you talk to, you tell your secrets to, and the people who really KNOW YOU.

I know more than a thousand people, out of which maybe maximum 3 know me to a certain limit, out of which are my parents. Know those who desire the best for you, and love those. Don’t invest your feelings in those that are indifferent of your existence, and do not work on impressing people who you think are worth it – because THEN you’d be fake and you might be impressing that specific someone alright, and you might even make them admire you (the fake version of you) but I’d rather be laughed at and hated because of something I am than worshiped for something I am not, I don’t know about YOU> I can see you kind of got lost in the words?! All I am saying is that if someone thinks you’re impressive, GREAT, but do not be a different person for anyone and never kill your own personality and time for anyone else.

Since I mentioned PARENTS ABOVE^, I’d like to show my greatest DISGUST and DISRESPECT to all those who disrespect their parents and treat them as crap. No one will ever love you as your own parents. If you think you’re too cool to be out seen with your parents, remember that if they’re not paying for your living NOW (I DOUBT THAT THEY’RE NOT), they did for at least the first years of your lives and you are not psychologically mental because of them – if YOU are mentally ill, I’m sorry for that, I am speaking about the people with really good parents, the parents that wouldn’t sleep at night till they know you’re fine.

Being a parent scares me but it’s my ultimate wish. I guess God – if He exists – engraved in our sex (females) this love to become mothers [I was never a male to judge if you guys have this tendency I’m speaking about too]. It is like I am not one of those you know “saloon girls who drink Turkish coffee every morning with the neighborhood’s housewives discussing the most controversial issues – like whether or not our neighbor’s daughter came back the other night at 1 o’clock midnight or 2:30, and how many guys were in the car with her when she got back, and if they were SMOKING!!!!!!!” No! I hate those shit, but still I love to get kids. I hate kids, but I know I’d love MY KIDS. I have no idea why I do, I guess the older a girl gets the more this tendency increases. Weird!

Is getting kids selfish?! I sometimes wonder that maybe we seem to get kids to practice some kind of power over less venerable creatures. Or, or maybe it’s because the older we get the closer we feel our death is so we love to get kids to feel that our existence on this planet is going to continue [ a Lebanese saying says, “the person who gets kids, never dies” yalli khallaf ma meit ]. I also sometimes think that getting kids is so selfish because we would be bringing people to this life that is so dire and unfair, why let them go through this?!!?! Moreover, for some reason, most parents have some expectations of their children, one of which they expect their children to be there for them when they grow old just like they (the parents) did when the children were babies. Finally, after a few years of marriage or long relationships, getting children seems like a way of entertainment. We’re bored, let’s get kids!

Now, I’d re-buttle my own argument by saying that we shouldn’t refrain ourselves from getting kids just because we think of life as brutal because we never know what our children might become! Imagine Einstein’s parents thinking like me! Physics would be less easy! No really imagine Justin Beiber’s parents thought like I did! Girls would be less stupid! Mm, you get my point right!? Expectations, expectations… Gebran Khalil Gebran says, “awladoukoum laysou lakoum, awladoukoum abna2ou el hayat” – i.e.: Your children aren’t yours, your children are the children of LIFE. Never expect anything from your children, you got them into this life, and whatever they do is their own decision.

Doing the right decision is like figuring out a new mathematical equation. Life is all about experience, and with trial and error, you’ll learn. Do not be afraid of failure, and never be afraid to ask questions. “He who asks is a fool for five minutes; he who doesn’t ask is a fool forever”. Smart people learn from other people’s experiences and mistakes, wise people learn from their own mistakes.

Try everything in life that is safe – even if it weren’t safe and you had the urge to do it and you felt it is worth it, do it! You do not want yourself regretting what might have been later on in life! Make use of every single second of your life, and try your best to be happy in every single moment you breathe.

Finally, Be Patient. With patience, everything becomes easy. Sorry, I have to say this, but be patient with stupid people. I used to be so nervous and allergic to stupidity, now I learned to embrace it. Be patient with others. If they do not get your joke the first time and the 2nd,3rd, 8th,and the 10th time you say it, be patient! Haha…
EUUUUUUUU,

Enough of my stupid remarks eh!? Going to bounce! Kisses!